If you can listen I have a bit of explaining to do and I want to start right off by apologizing for my own lack of fortitude emotionally to see me through a period of several difficult days that reached a fever pitch over the last few! I’ve been going through something indeed for years now without any final abatement! It seems like I got over one major obstacle tossed in my path and momentarily feeling like the burden was gone to find that only another was taking its place! This unrelenting turmoil has taken a drastic toll on my health and appearance causing me much disappointment but I still each day get up with the “can do” objectivity in mind that I can handle anything if the Lord gives me enough inner strength which He always has, but the failure comes with my own flesh being weak not able to match my spirit! Then when a person or two toss curves at me I get sad and then angry! I figured I had enough bullshit from people doing harm to me and not the other way around to last me the rest of my life; but who can really know my place or what it’s like being me, as they aren’t in my shoes so there isn’t a true appreciation of who and what I am. That works both ways and so I see that I have no one to blame but myself for any mishaps and I own up and seek to find peace and resolution, to work at being better at handling whatever burden I have or will have in the future, I really have no choice, it’s do or die and that is how I see it!
You’ve been extremely silent and I’m hoping it’s because you are just way too busy and doing well; just not having a moments time for anyone else’s drama! I thought of something as I was walking my dog thinking about all of this and I realized why I like the movie “John Wick,” not just because I really like Keanu Reeves and the way the film was put together but mainly because I identity with his sadness and anger in the story plot having been so wronged and then he sets out to take care of business sort of like a human angel or agent of God’s to exact justice and rid the world of some dirt! But of course that is fantasy and just a good entertaining movie. I was wronged in most respects far worse than John Wick and my health and even tissues were altered by very wicked minded nefarious persons working for evil! I’ve been antagonized by evil because evil does seek to destroy and trip any of us up to over react and cause more difficulty, which I have never done nor will I! I only get hurt and sad then angry and even cry, realizing I must take it and keep going sort of the way Jake LaMotta the famed fighter of “Raging Bull” played by DiNero! What did he tell Sugar Ray Robinson when he was beat and badly bruised not only physically but emotionally after having the fight called against him, “you never got me down Ray!” That is quite the metaphor for all of us to consider when life is brutal or when our enemies get the upper hand and knock us on our ass!
I messed up this week and I have a lot I’ve been carrying that pains me deeply and it’s not going away anytime soon and at times looks like it will only get worse! Then I see how this world is spinning madly out of control Geo-politically and how domestically we have so many screwed up people that are running this country into the ground and morals and values are in the toilet! Then of course being a man of faith I see that Scriptures indicate “end time” being much like this and that adds the final whammy which puts me over the top emotionally. After all I’ve been dealing with I’ve grown weary of practically all people even many relatives who aren’t any better than strangers, in some ways worse!
So I get feeling isolated and really sad but that is a “key,” I see myself feeling sorry for myself a little too much perhaps, and that is wrong I don’t want that I would rather feel sorry for sick little children and old ladies and grand dads that are Veterans who served and suffered so badly for all of we Americans! I’m changing Sir, and I hope completely for the better so that even if I won’t ever be who and what I just was a short number of years OK, it will be only in appearance because inside I will be so much better and more of what God wants me to be for His purpose and plan! Excuse me I just started crying.
I’m getting close today to forgiving myself for screwing up but most important to me is that you can be the strong man I see and believe you to be; being able to find it within yourself to forgive me. That will mean a lot to me and maybe make the world of difference in my getting clear of my own demons!
Thank you for your time and expertise along with the insurmountable friendship and fellowship you provided to me all along!
God Bless You and Yours!